I started a post about my cancer treatment’s direction, but unfortunately, I need to write about something else instead.
Ever since March when I first got back the first initial biopsy results with the tentative “carcinoma” results, I put up a strong wall. This wall blocked some of my emotions because of the fear that if I started to “feel” emotions a little, I would fall apart and not be able to deal with each step surrounding the cancer. Instead of emotions, I processed everything intellectually: doing research, studying, memorizing facts and information. While this was helpful as I navigated the medically complicated road, my emotions remained, stuffed down deep below.
Slowly, over time, more and more emotions built up, putting crack after crack in my strong wall. From the outside, it still looks strong – I still looked strong. But all it took was one last little crack and the whole thing came tumbling down.
Today was the day it all came tumbling down and it wasn’t pretty. The “straw” that broke the metaphorical camel’s back was small, as it always is, but it was just the last thing on top of a pile of things. Now to pick up the pieces and put them back together again, hopefully with a more transparent wall.